Bitter Pill

I haven’t felt much like writing. As most of you know, one of our pets died a few days ago. Spyro was old, and she had outlived her life expectancy by several years. She had become complacent in her old age, spending most of her time napping on the bottom shelf in the laundry room. The laundry room became her domain after the dog joined us, because I was always afraid that one day Gracie’s instincts would take over and we would come home to a missing rabbit and a houseful of fur. So, she was sequestered in the laundry room, coming out infrequently due to our hectic schedules and little down time. It wasn’t fair to Spyro, and that’s what I’m dealing with.

She was my responsibility and I failed. Again.

Before I left on my trip we had an outbreak of fleas in the house. They were everywhere. I gave the rest of the brood medicine, but Spyro’s vet is 20 miles away and I put off driving there to get the medicine because I had so many things to do before I left on my trip. I kept shoving it back to the bottom of the list of Things To Do...telling myself that it wasn’t a priority...telling myself that I could do it when I returned.

This trip was selfish in every way possible. I asked someone else to fund it and cornered friends and family to take care of the lives that were my responsibility. I dropped everything to come half-way around the world and shunned all of my duties as caretaker to spend an enormous amount of time in pursuit of idleness. I kept telling myself that it was perfectly reasonable to be totally selfish for a month...but after seeing what happens when I am selfish the taste has gone sour in my mouth. I have neglected the lives I promised to care for, ignored my duties that were no one else’s to take. I knew the danger..I knew she would die if I did not get rid of the fleas...I knew it couldn’t be put on hold until I got whatever this is out of my system. Life doesn’t wait for selfish pursuits.

Several years ago my beloved cat, CeCe, passed away in the frightening atmosphere of a cold cage in a filthy vet’s office. The vet was cheap, and therefor substandard...it was through their negligence that she died, probably scared and confused, not knowing where her family was or why they were doing this to her. In my selfishness I tried to keep her alive on my paltry living, so her death rests on my shoulders. I will never forgive myself for the decision I made with her, and I promised myself that I would never again let my selfishness be the reason for the death of a pet....

Yet, it’s happened again.

I cannot delude myself into believing that my decision to come here did not sign her death warrant. I saw the signs and I knew that an infestation of fleas on an elderly rabbit could be fatal. It happened a few days before I left, so I could have canceled my trip or changed the dates to accommodate driving to the vet and making sure she was healthy. I could have done something. She would have eventually died as all things do, but I could have respected her life and done all that was within my power to make her as comfortable as possible for her remaining days.

You can’t cheat Death...it will happen to every living creature in time. But it’s how you treat them in Life that makes the difference.

And I failed her in Life. I was selfish and delusional...and because of that I failed her...

...so what does that say about my character? That is the bitter pill I am forced to swallow.

~